where's my cocktail

My first semester results came out a few days ago and I was overwhelmed with mixed feelings. Ive told myself that I will be grateful as long as I dont fail any subject, and I thankfully I've stuck by that. Yet strangely, I feel a pang of disappointment. I'm disappointed because it wasn't high enough. But when I process this thought, I get a blow in the face. Did I really think that I could bludge me way out of uni? Although I gave up alot of work hours and attended many uni lectures- I wasn't really there. I had deaf ears when I listened to Westbrook. During study week, I basically skimmed through the whole book reading everything even the irrelevant (but very interesting) psychology topics. I ridiculed Craig and his way of teaching so I guess this could be karma. Nevertheless, Im not working wisely.

I wish for this semester to be more productive.
And I shall end this short blog with one of the sweetest testimonial any man can write

-----, I want to tell you, again, I love you. Our love has been the thread through our labyrinth, the net under the high-wire walker, the only real thing in this strange life of mine that I could ever trust. Tonight I feel that my love for you has more density in this world than I do, myself: as though it could linger on after me and surround you, keep you, hold you.


I hate to think of you waiting. I know that you have been waiting for me all your life, always uncertain of how long this patch of waiting would be. Ten minutes, ten days. A month. What an uncertain husband I have been, -----, like a sailor, Odysseus alone and buffeted by tall waves, sometimes wily and sometimes just a plaything of the gods. Please ----. When I am dead. Stop waiting and be free. Of me - put me deep inside you and then go out in the world and live. Love the world and yourself in it, move through it as though it offers no resistance, as though the world is your natural element. I have given you a life of suspended animation. I don't mean to say that you have done nothing. You have created beauty, and meaning, in your art, and Albam who is so amazing, and for me: for me you have been everything.
(---- name has been deleted to prevent spoilage)


xx